Tools for Tools

I am learning some valuable lessons in my life right now.  Last night I was taught of how important it is to give our children tools for dealing with their emotions, anxiety, frustrations etc.  I have had wonderful and giving parents in my life who have given me many tools, but I think I can safely say that I was not given the tools to cope with some of the above mentioned things in my life.

I know this is not a conscious thing that parents withhold from their children.  They are not about to say within themselves, “I am not going to teach my children strategies for dealing with grief (for example)”.   I think in many instances - particularly with my parents’ generation – they were not taught.  My mum could give you sermon upon sermon about how she was taught the value of work and sacrifice, honesty, respect for one’s elders, how to save, how to use manners and how to show gratitude.  However, according to her, there were certain things that were never discussed.  These things, I feel were often the things of the heart.  I see generations of people who do not know how to say “I love you”.  It was very hard for my father to say “I love you” or “sorry”.  In saying that, I know that my father loved me.  There are so many people that do not know how to comfort another or how to embrace.  These people look stiff and awkward when someone extends what the other feels is a warm gesture. 

Levi giving Tori a kiss

Don’t you think it’s interesting how little babies love to be held?  Whenever they have wind, a bump or are just uncomfortable and fussy, they want to be encircled about by loving arms.  What happens in our lives to change that?  How do some of us go from that natural in-born desire to be held and comforted to that awkwardness when someone wants to extend a warm embrace or that polite welcoming kiss on the cheek?  I think it’s taught.

I give thanks for my mother’s European heritage.  Something I love about the people from her homeland is the warm greetings.  Perhaps not for her cultural background, I too would find affection awkward unless behind closed doors with my significant other. 

Both my parents cannot remember their parents telling them they loved them.  My mum tells me she loves me all the time but my dad found this very hard.  I remember one time, I was about 18.  He was dropping me off in town to meet up with a group of friends.  As I was about to exit his utility vehicle, he said very quickly “love ya girl”.  That was it.  I remember that vividly.  He has told me since then that he loved me.  These instances were few, usually after I’d told him I loved him first and a few of those times were in his last days on this earth.  Affection was hard for him. The mind boggles on how my siblings and I were ever conceived due to the lack of affection he showed towards our mother.  He just found it awkward.  No doubt he loved all of us but his idea of affection was a brief hug, pat on the butt and a jab in the ribs a couple of times with the index finger.  I believe my dad was not given the tools to express himself. 

How then is he to equip me with those tools when he doesn’t have them himself?   My mother had some tools.  She knew how to snuggle, say “I love you” and give words of affirmation.  But tools for dealing with other emotions, she lacked.  Some she still lacks (sorry mum), but others she has acquired through life’s experiences and challenges. 

 It is my aim to learn how to express myself better, in positive ways.  I want to be able to say “I’m hurting because…” or I’m feeling frustrated because…” Rather than get worked up inside and then explode.  I need to learn those tools so I can pass them on to my children and they can then pass them on to theirs.  I really believe these tools are needed in this harsh and often cold world we live in, where secular tools have higher value than the tools needed to have better and lasting relationships.