Depression + Gratitude = Healing

the happy family snap

Before having children did you ever find yourself in a public place observing other parents busy being parents and think to yourself “I am never going to be that kind of parent” or “I will never say that to my child”? I know I did.  As my children have reached that blessed age of two I have found myself becoming the very mother I never said I would become. 

There was a young mother who I knew just after Nyah had joined our family.  We didn’t have a whole lot to do with each other.  I found her to be quite unapproachable.  This woman did not bust a smile and barely spoke to anyone.  I felt like going up to this woman, shaking her, sitting her down and saying “do you realise what you have? You have a wonderful and loving husband and a beautiful child, wake up!”  Her nonresponse to things that were wonderful really bugged me.  It was later that I found out that this young mother suffered with Post Natal Depression.  That it not change how I felt though.  Surely this woman could get herself together and be grateful for all the blessings in her life.  Surely that would make her happy.

Herein lies the lesson.  I believe that when we have trouble understanding another, judging and/or showing a lack of empathy towards others that the good Lord will teach us. 

When I held my beautiful little Tori in my arms for the first time I did not feel that elation I did with my other two children.  I can’t even describe what it felt like.  It was like, “here’s another one to add to the list, may as well just keep going while I can”.  Now that I look back on it, it seems awful. 

Sweet little Tori, about 30 mins after birth

It was when I lay in a foetal position on my dining room floor - in a pile of sand that Nyah had scattered when she shook out the contents of the trackies she wore to school - that I knew something was terribly wrong.  I knew when I had that thought of how easy it would be to just disappear that this thought was out of character and not coming from a good place.  I want to make this perfectly clear that I would never harm myself, but at that moment, when I had that thought, I could empathise with those who feel like they have no other option than to end it all.  Thankfully I know I have other options.

It’s a vicious cycle really.  You know you have a wonderful husband who loves you and three beautiful children who are healthy and happy.  You have a supportive family (for the most part), friends and a church community.  You start to feel guilty for feeling the way you do.  I started to beat myself up thinking that I was undeserving of all these blessings.  Then there is the sudden outburst of frustration directed towards my children.  Sure asking your child fifteen times to stop hitting their sibling can get frustrating, but for it to end in mum being a scary loud mum, is not cool.  It does not build trusting and close relationships which is something I very much want as a mother.  So there we go again, failure.  The cycle continues.  Then there is always the comparing.  This is really damaging.  “She has four children and she’s the Relief Society President”. Or, "she has three children, runs a home business, blogs, can bake and sew and do all this other stuff that I can’t do”. Or, "she just lost her son a few months ago and now her husband has gone also so what on earth do I have to be so down about?”  “She is so talented, so organised, so…. perfect!”  And sometimes you just don’t feel like getting out of bed for fear of failure.

For those of you who know my husband, you know that he is a really good guy.  I know I am punching way above my own weight here.  He is handsome, clever, smart, spiritual, kind, loving, fun, friendly, non-judgmental, enthusiastic, organised, VERY organised – the list goes on.  For our entire married life I have gotten the comments “Jim is such a great guy”, “your husband is so lovely” or “I need to find someone like Jim”.  All comments I agree with and I am totally flattered by them but one can begin to feel a little under par in comparison to their mate, especially at a time when their spiritual cup is low.

I have often found it interesting in my observation of others over my 31 year existence that often when people feel in despair they turn away from the very things they need the most.  Some limit their church attendance, others stop praying, serving (thinking that if they focus more on themselves for a while and when things get better, then they can give to others), exercising, etc.  Some even turn away from their best mate.  This is the mate you had chosen and promised to remain with either for this life only or throughout all eternity (as what happens when we are married in the Lord’s temple).  Every thing we do affects our spirit – the way we feel about ourselves. 

Jim recently read a book titled ‘Life’s Lessons Learned’ by Dallin H. Oaks.  I have not read the book however Jim has shared some of it with me.  I have been thinking lately about the lessons I have learnt and are continuing to learn.  It was when I became a mother I realised how much my own mother loved me.  It suddenly dawned on me why she felt the need to control things, take away my freedom to choose by making every one of my unwise decisions such a drama.  It wasn’t because she wanted to be the fun police, it was because she loved me and wanted to protect me from making decisions that would affect my spirit.  Sure, the way mum went about things sometimes were not always right, but now that I know her motives behind those things I can understand and try and do things a little better my self as a mother.  One of my favourite mentors has said “learn from the past, live for today and prepare for the future” (Thomas S. Monson). 

So in all my learning from this PND experience now that I am on the other side of it, I have realised that it is not something that you can just brush off.  It is not as simple as putting a smile on your face.  It is not something that can be fixed by taking a few pills, excessive shopping or ‘gap-filing’ with other things/stuff.  One must tackle it head on.  Accept it, talk about it, and fill ones life with those things that the spirit craves.  What the spirit craves is not always what you feel like doing but this little person in Melbourne Australia has learnt that when we do those things (pray, read the scriptures, ponder, exercise, eat right, communicate with spouse (if you have one) – all forms of communication – and serve), our spiritual cup starts to fill and slowly the light enters our lives.  Slowly that mask of happiness turns into a reality.  I'm getting there.

 A friend of mine at church taught a lesson on gratitude recently.  Her expertise is in psychology.  She gave us some wonderful insights into a study where daily expressions of gratitude lessen the affects of depression and boost happiness, especially in self-critical people.  http://www.rodale.com/happiness-gratitude-and-depression

Nothing fancy, just a journal.

It is for this reason that our family has decided to keep a gratitude journal.  We have much to be grateful for and this helps us all to keep things in perspective and to appreciate many of those things that we so often take for granted.  And if you are ever thinking that you’ve got it tough living in the country of Australia, I invite you to watch the movie ‘The Whistle Blower’.  To my American friends, this movie is rated M+15 in Australia. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHnGktmT2Uc .
We have much to be grateful for.

'As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that
the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to
live by them' - JFK.

Want to feel good?
Do something for someone else.
Notice how Chirag's face is just as
cheeky looking as our own children's?
Perfect!