Great Expectations

Expectations, we all have them.  We Have expectations of both ourselves and others.  People who think they don’t have expectations of other people are either liars or they really haven’t thought about it deep enough. 

A few months ago I had a conversation with someone who said “I told them if they don’t expect anything from me, they won’t be disappointed”.  This person continued by saying “I don’t expect anything from others”.  Well that’s just plain nonsense if you ask me.  We ALL expect things.  If I was to purchase the latest gadget, I would expect it to do everything the book of instructions said it would do.  When I walk in to any Apple store, I expect to receive brilliant customer service.  At least fifteen young, eager sales people dressed in bright blue t-shirts would be there to pounce on me.  When I walk in to Spotlight however, I expect zero customer service. 

Nyah expects me to house her, feed her, clothe her and nurture her.  In return, I expect her to be help out in the home and give me snuggles once in a while.  My expectations of Nyah and her capabilities will increase as she grows and matures.  It’s like, you see that movie preview, and it all looks wonderful and you form an opinion of the movie based on the snippet you have seen.  You get this idea of what the movie is going to be like and in your mind is it going to be wonderful.  You see it.  Did it meet or exceed your expectations?  Or was it perhaps a little under par?

I expected to be the best mother.  The thing is I am learning that my best is different to your best.  What do I consider to be a good mother?  This might be very different to what you consider to be a good mother.  The important thing here for me is: am I magnifying my role as a mother, or at least what I consider to be a good one?

As a newlywed I expected that Jim and I would live in wedded bliss forever.  Our dating was uncomplicated, energetic, and fun.  We were so completely wrapped up in each other and all that magic of young love.  It truly was just like one of those old romance movies.  We never once had an argument of any description.  When we went on our travels overseas (as newlyweds) for the year of 2005 we were together 24/7. 

I’m sure most of you have seen an episode of the Amazing Race where couples enter this competition and in scavenger-hunt fashion, race around the world looking for clues to lead them to the next destination where there is another challenge to complete.  The ultimate goal is to be the winning couple at the end of the series.  This is much like what our first year of marriage was like only we were doing it all on a budget.  And the prize at the end was not monetary.  It was all about the experience.  In the Amazing Race you see couples’ relationships get pushed to the test as they try to overcome language barriers and other difficulties in foreign lands.  Sure Jim and I were not in any kind of competition, but we had not lived together before we married and this race-like environment where two people were getting used to having the other around them all the time, got a little tense at times.

My expectations of my marriage to Jim were that our lives would merge harmoniously and all would be sweet.  When Jim and I had our first disagreement I seriously thought it would end in divorce.  I was heartbroken.  Thankfully we were able to move past that disagreement and there have been a few more since then, all of which Jim will openly admit were his fault (of course).  That was another thing I never expected… to use the word ‘sorry’ as frequently as I do.

I’m at a crossroads as to whether or not having expectations are a good thing.  In the mind of my young friend who spoke of how she believed she didn’t have expectations of others, (as a barrier of protection I would presume) in theory it is perhaps ideal.  Or would we all just come off as unhappy customers?  When we set our expectations too high, and we come short, they have the potential to crush us.  Did you realise that God does not EXPECT us to to reach perfection on our own, here and now? So why do we often EXPECT that of ourselves? And then, to make matters worse, beat ourselves up about it.

My conclusions are:

"If you expect nothing, you can never be disappointed.  Apart from a few starry-eyed poets or monks living on a mountaintop somewhere, we all have expectations.  We not only have them, we need them.  They fuel our dreams, our hopes, and our lives like some super-caffeinated energy drink" (Tonya Hurley).  I do not endorse caffeinated beverages by the way, but Tonya makes a very good point.

So expectations of oneself are a good thing.  We need to expect things of ourselves otherwise we may never progress.  Even worse, we may never reach our potential.  It is the self condemning that we must avoid.  Just relax. ‘Life is a journey not a destination’ (I have heard that somewhere and I like it). 

Expectations of others are a good thing too.  Again, if we treat others in such a way that we would not expect more from them, they may perhaps never reach their true potential.  The comment "I expect more from you Nyah", is not a put-down, it is to remind her of her capabilities.  It’s the judgements and the criticism that really crush relationships.  If you give a gift and your expectation is to receive a thanks or at least some form of recognition and you receive neither… you can choose to pass a judgment (they were never taught properly, they are rude, they are ungrateful etc.), you can teach by example or give someone the benefit of the doubt (perhaps it just slipped their mind).  In reality this is hard, but I am learning it can make a huge difference in our relationships with others and the way we feel about ourselves.

I can’t tell you how many times I have gone into Coles Supermarket where the cashier has had a face on them like a thunderstorm.  My expectation has been that cashiers should always wear a friendly countenance.  Perhaps though, the expectations of me should change.  Perhaps I should expect to always brighten a sour-faced cashier’s day.  And if I don’t, I expect to have better luck tomorrow.

I apologise for my long-windedness (aka, fluff) with this piece.  I have been using this domain as a platform for getting it all out.  To sum up my thinking, I found this little gem by Bryan Tracy, a self-development author.  He says "an attitude of positive expectation is the mark of superior personality".  I like that word positive. I expect that will make all the difference.